I Shouldn't Have But.....

I did it. Yes, I really did. Yesterday I wore shorts in public. A size 14 that should have been 16. Yes, they were too small and yes I looked terrible. I felt my legs wiggle and wobble, my muffin top was saying hello to everyone, and I was as white as snow (when aren't I white as snow??) but daggum I miss wearing shorts. When I sat down and looked down at my thighs I about barfed. I could have separated my legs a foot and my thighs still would've been touching. Let's just say wearing shorts yesterday has made it onto my top 5 worst ideas in my 28 years of life. It made a list that includes throwing back 3 Screwdrivers within minutes when I was 18. This was my first time (and I'm not sure why it wasn't my last) getting drunk and not only did I get drunk, but I got alcohol poisoning (a big thank you to Ever Clear). I laid on my best friends kitchen floor in convulsions for hours while she herself was in the bathroom puking her guts out. Her brother who wasn't in the best shape himself finally came home to find us and had to find a sober friend to take us both to the ER (yes, we decided that the first time we drank would only be the two of us. I swear it wasn't because we weren't popular. We were trying to be responsible like popular people do). To this day OJ makes me want to ralph.



Shorts and skirts are what define my summer and I hate wearing anything but from June - September. I have been rotating the same three pairs of capris (one of which are maternity) since #2 was born in March and it's getting old quickly. Not to mention I wear my work t-shirts just about every day. When we go out in public I wear the same three outfits over and over all of which include capris and long sleeves. We are now in the month of June with temps in the 80's. Long sleeves should have been put into storage weeks ago. My self-esteem has taken a nose dive. I'm turning into the mom who wears sweats, t-shirts, and pony tails 95% of the time. I don't want that for myself. I want to wear the latest trends. I want to wear my hair down and styled. I want to wear make-up. Before kids I would have never gone out in public without make up and now I go out commonly without any, not even mascara. Hell has frozen over.


I hate writing disappointing posts but I guess a perfectly executed attempt at weight loss would make for a boring blog, eh? Well, I wouldn't want a boring blog now would I so I decided to eat a nice, large dark chocolate ice cream cone at work this evening, feel bad about it and come home to a big bowl of chips and salsa. The day was going just fine until I went to work! In fact, Hubs and I took the girls for ice cream this afternoon and I ate a banana. You know, the bananas we have to smother in ice cream, hot fudginess, and gobs of trans fatty whipped cream. Yes, I ate a naked banana and I was fine. I will admit that when J was finished with his two scoops I had the thought of taking the bowl and licking it clean. Seriously, that was a real thought.


Tomorrow is Monday. I am starting a two week challenge of not eating one single bite of ice cream. Not one. If I complete two weeks I'm buying myself something. I don't know what yet, but something. I'm taking $25.00 and heading to Target because Target makes all things right in the world. Shopping is an effective reward system I'm sure.


I also want to mention that I'm not weighing myself regularly. I don't even own a scale, but occasionally use my Wii Fit to see where I'm at. I'm only going to weigh myself when I visit my parents. They have one of those fancy, schmancy medical scales that I actually trust. The next time we will be at my parents house will be July 4 and I'm going to weigh myself on June 5. Last week when I weighed myself I weighed 207 lbs so I'm considering that my starting weight. My goal is to lose at least 6 lbs per month. I think that's very manageable if I could just put down the damn ice cream scoop. Until tomorrow my friends...

Mr. Binge

Just yesterday I was talking about how I never wanted to write about a binge never, never, ever again. Never. But guess what I'm writing about this morning...the mother truckin' binge I had last night. This is about the time of the week that I start to lose the diet because it's the weekend, my fridge is getting low, and we're busy. Last night none of those reasons caused the binge. I was simply at work. I had brought my dinner and even snacks along with me to make sure I didn't eat ice cream for my main meal (which I have done many, many times in the past). I ate my dinner when I got hungry and all was well. I had planned for some pistachios if I got hungry again later in the night so I was worry free. Until I got a phone call that put a severe set back on a big catering event this weekend. As soon as I put that phone down I headed to the ice cream case and destroyed an entire pint. By destroyed I mean I inhaled it within minutes. But that's not all folks, I went home and ate two large slices of my husband's left over pizza. The whole time I was eating I was thinking about how I was sabotaging my awesome week this week (because I have kicked ass for realz) but that didn't stop me. I was thinking about the thousands of calories that I was consuming but that didn't stop me either. Why didn't I just stop?? Afterwards I most certainly felt defeated but this time was different. I wasn't upset or guilty. I just thought, "okay, that just happened. What do I do now?" So I put on my big girl pants and plugged the food into My Fitness Pal. I didn't freak out about the calories but instead I just felt like it was what it was and now I'm moving on. Although it was a binge, it could have been much worse and I felt like I came out on top in the end. My attitude is gradually changing and the more good days I have, that's just fewer and fewer bad days. What is that I see? A glimmer of light at the end of this very long tunnel??

Phase 1: Food Overload

I've decided to break down this weight loss into phases. If I know myself as well as I think I do, I think this will work for me much better than trying to do everything all at once. You see, I tend to be a perfectionist. Once I get an idea in my head I get so involved with it mentally, physically, and emotionally that at times it's all I think about thus leading to burn out. I also jump into things full force expecting to be good at it right from the get-go and if I'm not, I'm too impatient to learn and of course it eventually leads to me quitting. I don't allow myself to be a beginner at anything and improve. It's not a good trait to have. If I had stuck with and practiced 9 out of the 10 things I had started I would be famous for at least one if not two of them. If not teaching viewers how to crochet on our local public broadcasting channel then I would be the one with a reality tv show about cakes instead of that Cake Boss guy. What kind of name is Buddy any way? I feel like that name is only appropriate for a certain elf.

Phase One: Food Overload. No wait, that's what got me in this mess. Let's start over. Phase One: Food Overhaul. I started with a food overhaul first because they say that weight loss is most successful with 70% diet and 30% exercise. I know women who are losing weight and kick some major ass in the gym but that only accounts for only 30% of what they are achieving?? That truly goes to show how important clean eating is and for me, how important it is to track your calories. Because Jay and I are both trained in the culinary field (fun fact: I'm a previous professional baker. Excellent for getting to MILFORD status of course) we rarely have processed foods in the house. I know about chemicals that companies put into our foods (Corporate America.....I tell ya. Anything for a buck) and the less of that shiz that goes into my mouth and especially my kids' mouth, the better. That's why I take the time to make the majority of our food from scratch including most of our bread products. And I never go to the frozen food isle unless its for frozen veggies, fruits or ice cream. Or corn dogs. Or Texas Toast. Or those one things, um.....Taquitos! I kid, I kid.....mostly.

Since I have clean eating down fairly well (I'm still looking forward to improving it!) it's the over eating and emotional eating that gets me. Emotional eating HAUNTS me. I'm almost scared to have feelings any more. Stress and boredom are the worse. That is the time when my binges happen most often. And when I binge, I BINGE. It scares me how much food I consume during a binge. I really hope I never have to post about a binge I may have during this journey because I never want to have another one ever again!! They leave you sad, embarrassed, guilty, helpless, and worse of all it often leads to another emotional binge. They are truly Hell on Earth.

My over eating happens when my meals aren't planned, I'm emotional, I'm in a social setting, or I'm at work (I manage a friggin' ice cream shop with over 40 friggin' ice cream favors that are ALL friggin' delicious). I also munch on my daughter's left over snacks and meals. I loathe wasted food! Waste makes haste don't cha know! Slowly but surely I'm seeing what my habits are and learning from them and how to avoid them. That's the main reason for this blog. To sort out and write down all of these thoughts and solutions that are bouncing around in my head so that I can start to be proactive instead of overwhelmed. I feel like this post is kind've overwhelming so I'm tapping out. Until tomorrow my friends....

Operation MILFORD

When I typed in Operation MILF for my title just now my IPad changed it to Milford thus completely changing today's post. I think that's appropriate. Sometimes auto correct knows what it's talking about. You may ask, "you don't want to be considered a MILF someday?" Hellz ya I do! But it does seem a bit creepy to me. I work with many teenage boys who are constantly commenting on our MILF customers. I would give an example but this blog is totally rated PG and at times PG-13 if my ginger temper gets the best of me. Just imagine awkward teenagers with their acne face, cockeyed smile and terrible swag trying to be cool with the hot moms (who are generally wearing a fedora and their 6 year old's skirt) and some of the hot moms actually enjoying the awkward attention. EWIE. It hurts so bad yet it is so entertaining to watch. Maybe they are just playing with the boys heart strings but let me tell you those boys are proud of what was accomplished during their time with these tramps. (Just to be clear, not all MILFS are tramps. Just the ones who get horny from flirting with 17 year olds). They walk away from the conversation with their chests puffed out, their heads held high, and their pants....well you know. I for one never want to be the one that makes a teenage boy turn on their best Charlie Sheen charm. Groadie (pronounced grow-dee for all of you city folk.) The point is that I really don't want that kind of attention what so ever. The things that men (and probably a few women) say these days would make even Don Draper blush. When I'm at MILF status I would like to be considered so by my hubby and maybe a handful of innocent, good looking adult men. Everyone else may consider me a MILFORD.

To Hell with Buttercream

Listen to what this McFatty did today. Oh, it's embarrassing. For breakfast I went back to the daggum buttercream. Remember the shiz that made me physically ill the day before? Today I decided to smother it on graham crackers for the most important meal of the day. wtf? Why on God's green Earth would I do that?? I didn't even think twice about doing it. It just happened so quickly. I don't even know if I tasted what I was eating. After realizing what I just did to myself (sabotaging my day within seconds) let's just say I had a nervous breakdown. That was just a little too low even for me. Most of my compulsive eating and bingeing happens outside of my home in social settings so to know that this was starting to happen within my own safe haven was scary. After a few minutes of crying out to Jesus (literally), He pulled me together and I decided that it wasn't going to ruin my day. I even logged the calories into MyFitnessPal. It is 100x harder to log after a binge because a. You feel so guilty b. you don't want to face the truth and c. You can't remember what or how much you were able to shove into your pie hole in such a short amount of time. I digress. Well, after logging I had a whole 900 calories left. That felt manageable but we were going to my sister in laws graduation party. A party that my husband was catering for and I baked the goodies for (did I mention my husband is a chef? helpful, right?) so there were going to be some challenges ahead. But the fact of the matter was I did really, really well throughout the day. I tried to keep myself busy outside with the girls and mingled as much as possible away from the food table. I only ate when I was hungry and I was feeling confident in the day! And then it happened. All of a sudden out of no where I had the thought "today can be your last cheat day until you start fresh tomorrow." and the day went to Hell. I went to the food table and loaded up. LOADED UP and ate it all including two cupcakes (with the friggin' buttercream icing!!) and two iced sugar cookies. Where in the world did the thought of having a cheat day come from?! Before that thought I was feeling just fine with the day. I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything and I didn't feel like I needed to stuff myself and then out of the blue my day did a 360. Let me tell you, I believe in Satan and Satan likes to sabotage. That was Satan's work right there. He better believe that his sinanigans aren't going to work on me. Here's to a new day!

Cray to the Cray

As I sit here with the IPad on my lap, my newborn on the boob, and my thinking glasses on (hats do terrible things to my hair), I just can't think of a good way to start this blog. All I know is that the blog needs to be done for the sake of my sanity. My mind is so overwhelmed and the more I try and figure it all out just by thinking, the more confused I get. I need to get this "stuff" out of my head and onto something tangible. All of it. All of it down to the ice cream I almost stole from a little girl yesterday (more on that next time) to the bowl of buttercream I inhaled until I was physically ill (and still feeling it hours later) today. Maybe I'll finally be able to make sense of things once they are written. I'm especially curious about figuring out the triggers that make me so cray cray. I think it's becoming obvious what the basis of this blog is about but just to clarify as you sit on edge, I'm talking about my weight. (Der. What else would it be after admitting to eating my weight in buttercream?) I thought having a newborn and a toddler under the same roof would drive me batty but that's been a friggin' cake walk compared to my daily struggles with food. Seriously, I feel like I've played the cake walk game ever since I got pregnant with #2 and I've won many a cake and cookie. So many that I'm now 55 pounds over weight. Daggum. 2 pounds per weeks = 27.5 weeks = about 7 months = January goal. Does anybody else do that? Calculate and recalculate when the weight should be gone. But then recalculate again later because you forgot about the first month's goal of losing 8 pounds. Yep. Thankfully I don't do that nearly as much any more. I understand that I am a momma of two youngins with a full time job on the side. Not to mention a husband that I have to pay attention to or at least feed once in awhile. This is going to take some time. I'm not a single woman who can do whatever, whenever any more. I have some figuring out to do. Like why am I so friggin' compulsive? Why can't I stop inhaling ice cream even though I'm about to vom? Why do I insist on eating in between meals when I'm already so full that I've had to change from jeans to sweat pants so I can sit comfortably. Why do I act like I'll never be able to dig into a bowl of Doritos (Cooler Ranch please) again so I eat the whole bag? This isn't just a physical struggle, it's a mental struggle. I have a fatty inside of me who just doesn't want me to succeed. I'll tell you more about her later. All you need to know for now is that she is as obnoxious as the National American University commercials (am I right?!) Anyway, the babe is done eating and I'm going to hit the sack. I'm just going to wing this blog thing and see how it goes. Maybe I'll end up with huge sponsors and win lots of blogosphere awards! Or maybe I'll only write one postand then forget about it like I did with my last blog: Homegrown, Homemade, and Savings Saved. Nerd alert! Until next time......maybe.